12.16.2012

sundays can be really hard for me.

the post i wrote at 11:37 AM today:

sometimes, i play the piano for hours on end.
sometimes, i sing in the car and i'm well aware that i sound awful.
sometimes, i sound really freaky when i laugh.
sometimes, i wonder what my talents even are.
sometimes, i have these hopes and dreams that will never come true.
sometimes, i want someone to really listen to me.
sometimes, i cry about the non-existence of true friendships/relationships
 i crave to have in my life.
sometimes, i want to love sundays like i used to instead of feeling all the inadequacies and hearing about all the imperfections i have.
sometimes, i feel like my family is the only support i have. and even then, i'm sure i annoy them.
sometimes, i am sure people think i'm a complete loser.
sometimes, i wish i could be an entirely different person...one that's more beautiful, more talented, more accomplished, more kind, more brave, more spiritual.

sometimes, my heart is so broken....that i just don't know what to do, but i end up writing about it. i'm not writing for sympathy or for commiseration; i'm writing just to know that this is how i was feeling today.


the post i am writing at 7:12 PM today: I felt impressed to listen this talk and studied it along with some scriptures referenced in it during Relief Society and Sunday School. Then I went to Sacrament Meeting, which was really good and healed my spirit even for just an hour and ten minutes. 

Things I can work on: Being more compassionate, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, and willing to submit to the Lord's will. 

Things I can do to get rid of pavilions: 
"Thy will be done"
Become more child-like
Recognize that God is close to us, aware of us, and never hides from His faithful children.
Remember His mission is to bless
Desire to know + Desire to do His will = Soul Stretching Opportunities
Feel and pray "Thy will be done" and "in Thine own time"
Remember Heaven may have other purposes to fulfill first.
 The Lord's delays are ALWAYS calculated to bless.

Thing I need to remember the most: The only relationship that matters is the one I have with the Lord. I can't really change how I look or my personality or the way I laugh or the way people feel about me, but I can change how close I am to the Lord and I can take what I have been given and make more out of it. The Lord has given me certain things that I'm sure I can use to bless His children, even if I only touch one soul in this life. It's okay to have bad days and to feel broken, as long as I just hand myself over to the Lord to be healed.
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