10.15.2012

thank you, ashley.

first, go read this post my wonderful friend, ashley, wrote last night.

i have started writing a blog post so many times about this, but i could never adequately explain myself and what i was really feeling without seeming like the most awful person in the world. 

since being released as relief society president back in january, everyone and their dog has asked me, "so did you get released so you can start your papers {to go on a mission}?" or "so if you aren't dating anyone, you're almost twenty-one/twenty-one and not really doing anything with your life, are you going on a mission?" to that, i always want to respond, "actually, i am doing a lot of somethings with my life. and i am trying my hardest to do what I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do." but instead, i say, 

"actually, no, i'm not. it's not right for me right now." 

and then, unfortunately, i sometimes get disgusted/patronizing looks which make me feel awful about this response, even though i know without a doubt i'm doing what's right. part of it is the culture we kind of have in utah, part of it is that i always made it known at church or school while i was growing up that i had a desire to go on a mission. 

because i always thought i would go on a mission when i was growing up. i never had a question in my mind about it. but over the past two and a half years and after many, many hours of conversations with my Heavenly Father (prayers) and fasting and going to the temple, i've felt it's something that is not for me at this time in my life. and who knows? that could change in the next year or two, but it has been excruciatingly hard for me to tell people, "actually, no, i'm not. it's not right for me right now." i still struggle with saying it and i feel like i'm viewed as a terrible person for not going and serving as a full-time missionary for my church at this time in my life, which i know is ridiculous, but it's something i'm trying to get over. and i know it's ridiculous, too, because there are always opportunities to serve, be an example, and love those around you. i have such great respect for those who do decide to sacrifice eighteen months or two years to serve. and the love and respect i have for missionaries has grown exponentially in the past three years. they. are. awesome.

basically, i just want to thank you, ashley, for explaining my thoughts way more eloquently than this garbled post. and i just want to say that i know the Lord has a perfect plan, perfect timing for each of us. whether our plan is to get married, go on missions, get our schooling done, or whatever it may be. as long as we are righteous and stay close to Him, we can know what paths we need to take and be guided to the kind of person we need to become. and that is the most powerful, incredible thing to me. 

i hope that we can all show compassion towards each other, the decisions we each make, and see the potential and worth in ourselves and others as it says in one of my all-time favorite quotes: 

"The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment...from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine." 
-Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

hope you all have a happy monday
 and thanks again, ashley.

3 comments:

  1. her post was amazing, your post was amazing, and both of your perspectives are amazing. while i am in a different boat, both of your posts helped me realize some things and helped me re-commit to becoming not what i want, but what god wants. don't let the judgments of others get to you, i know you are doing and becoming what god wants you to be catherine. thank you for always being so inspiring.

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  2. Can I just say how much I love this?! I have felt the exact same way the past week or so. And, to be honest, it has sort of been unbearable. I'm glad to know I have you in my corner feeling the same way! Love you doll!

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  3. you have such a good heart. I'm really glad you shared this. Please know that those who matter trust your judgement. People can think what they want, but only you and your Heavenly Father know what is best for you. I get the same judgey glares for being married 2+ years and not having a baby yet, so I know how you feel. I also know that Heavenly Father knows best.

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