february has been kind of a hard month.
despite many wonderful and happy and exciting things happening for me and the people in my life, it was still just a little bit too tearful for my liking and you know how i am a major weep-ah.
just crying over anything and everything...
lectures on dementia. finishing mockingjay. being sick. deep hurts and unkind words gnawing at me. feeling friendless. feeding some dinner to my little hopie sister on the couch, looking so weak, miserable, and sick. thomas experiencing some difficult things and personalities with his basketball team. many more things.
last friday, when i was with my mom getting dinner and running a few errands, she was talking to me about how frustrated she was over situations in my life right now--how it's almost as if no matter how hard i'm trying to do what's good and right, i still "get beat up" and how i'm working hard to do many good things, but it doesn't seem to matter.
and she went on and on about my friends and work and relationships and school and everything else until we pulled up in front of the grocery store. as i was getting out of the car to run in, i said to her, "well, yeah. i really am just completely done in with everything in my life right now. i give up."
as i walked in to get a few things, i knew that those words were dumb and dramatic. but it's just how i felt right then and i knew it didn't help to keep going over things, but in a way, it was also good to listen to her talk about everything-- to take a look at my life, to see what i need to get out of my life and what i need to put into my life right now.
i came back out to the car with the groceries and we started to drive home. my mom was telling me that she had been texting one of her friends to see how she was. they had been going back and forth about what they were doing and my mom told her that she was out running errands with me and this friend said back, "oh i bet it is fun to be out and about with her...sounds like my kind of night." and my mom said, "yes, it's fun. she has a lot of hurts right now though and that's hard." and all this friend wrote back was, "she is wonderful. she has great things ahead for her." when my mom told me that her friend had said that, i started to choke back tears.
then on sunday, i was getting ready for church. i was blow drying my hair when i started to get super mad. mad tears were running down my face and i felt like screaming. i thought, "Heavenly Father, why are you letting these things happen to me? what have i done wrong? are you not pleased with me right now? why in the world are all of these things happening to me? why do i feel comfortless?" and then i looked in the mirror and i immediately thought to myself, "catherine, you have never acted like this before, asking 'why' 'why' 'why'. pull yourself together and stop acting faithless." and another little voice said, "but sometimes, it's just hard."
then i went to church and i received a new calling-service committee member-and i had such a strong witness that the priesthood is the power of God to act on Earth. i had many words and phrases stand out to me in blessings i have received the past weekend, that i could never doubt what i have always known to be true--Heavenly Father knows my needs and fulfills them according to His timing.
one of my many favorite stories in the bible is in John 20 when the Savior has risen from the tomb and He is resurrected. He sees Mary in the garden and tells her to go and tell the apostles that He is risen. Later in this chapter, the Savior comes to see the apostles, but Thomas of Didymus was not with them and he says, "Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe." Eight days later, Thomas was with the apostles and Jesus comes to see them again, telling them to have peace and then he tells Thomas to come behold His hands and thrust his hand into His side, saying, "Be not faithless, but believing." Thomas then believes that it is the Savior and Jesus says, "Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." This story has always touched me, because it shows me that the Savior is always there waiting for us to come to Him, but that He also answers our needs even when our faith is wavering. I think His invitation to Thomas to "be not faithless, but believing" is something I constantly need to be reminded of in this world where doubt can so quickly set in. We must always remember that "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things", but it is to "hope for things which are not seen, which are true." (Alma 32:21). I know that we can rely on the Savior to help us through whatever we may be experiencing and He can answer our needs even with the smallest amount of faith and trust in Him. He knows our individual needs and He loves us immensely. isn't it amazing that we are given exactly what we need in our time of need...even if we have acted faithless?
i'm not saying those hurts are going away instantly, but i'm going to be more courageous and less faithless. because who knows what tomorrow will bring. and it's finally almost march, a new month with some of the best things in it--march madness (!!!!!!!!!!), girl scout cookies, hopefully more signs of spring and less of winter, a day to wear green, spring break (california, here i come!), and more tests out of the way! and as our good old friend annie always says, the sun will come out tomorrow.
d&c 6:36--"look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
i love stumbling over these old journal entries
when my faith and courage both need a good recharge once again.