7.04.2012

pretty amazing


i ended up going to see the amazing spider-man tonight, even though i was feeling really exhausted after a long day and going to institute and i could've waited until tomorrow. but with a lot of begging, i took my sister, her friend and my brother. needless to say, i thoroughly enjoyed this movie. i was a bit hesitant about it due to it being ten years since the first spiderman came out and i thought it would be silly, but i really think this is fresh and adds to the series. the cast was great--andrew garfield brought such a depth to peter parker as well as the perfect balance of confidence and timidity and i especially love a smart girl like emma stone playing the interest. i jumped multiple times in this movie and i even found myself tearing up at the end.

but this movie hit me like a ton of bricks much earlier than the ending...when this song came on as peter parker skateboards and flips around using his new spidey abilities. i found my mouth dropping a little bit, because it's pretty amazing how this song has always spoken to me and it's pretty amazing how andrew garfield simply is, especially in this movie. the way he looks, the way he talks and the way his voice sounds, the way he stands, the way he moves his hands through his hair, the way he shows frustration. the way he plays with his hands. the way his eyes tear up. all of that can remind me of that boy, almost exactly like him....all of those things. the first boy that i fell absolutely head over heels in love with, the one that made me feel something different than anything i'd ever felt. he changed what i knew about having a crush....he was the electricity in the room, the whisper in my ear during class, the "i can't pin your boutonniere on, can your mom do it?", the most gorgeous smile and kindest eyes. he took me when i was feeling broken and he blessed my life in ways i never thanked him for, but i hoped he would somehow know. silly me. he became the reason i'd come to school. laughing over the most pointless stuff. driving to study sessions at night, trying to understand oxidation and reduction reactions. taking him a cup of nielsen's frozen custard with some of our classmates. letting him copy my notes when he'd miss things in class. the way he'd look at me. the way he'd look at me. it was nothing i'd ever experienced before. i could write and tell you things for a million hours, but it could never express my heart and feelings fully. simply, he treated me how i knew i wanted and needed to be treated, he made me feel how i wanted and needed to feel...always.

one february night during my first year of college, i was walking to an anatomy review late at night and i was freezing. i didn't even think to bring a better coat with me because i was so numb and distraught. i had found out a few hours earlier that my grandpa had passed away and i had a huge first exam in anatomy. i remember just sobbing out loud and wondering how i was going to make it through this four hour review and my test in the morning. suddenly, without warning, his sweet laugh filled my mind and i felt warmth radiating inside. i pulled out my phone and dialed his number as i started to approach the building. it rang and rang and then picked up and i heard him say, hello? breathlessly and excitedly, i said hello as i walked into the building and then the connection dropped right then. the review was beginning and i hurriedly took a seat. i sent him a text letting him know what had happened with the phone call reception in the building and that i was in a review now and he wrote back, "alright, have a great night!". all i wanted to do is sob and call him and talk to him during that entire review, but i didn't and then i didn't call or even text him again for at least six months.

i can pinpoint that night and that dropped connection to the very time when i knew i needed to start to let go of this. i started to not believe any longer that this could work out somehow. i'd still tell people about this little miracle that had occurred in my ordinary life, but finally my friends said things like, "get a grip and get some closure. move on. it will never work out. it's a silly dream." i always knew that and i know that now...he's too good for me and it won't work out. he'll be home in a few months and as amazing as it could be, i don't see anything coming of this right now and i doubt that he even feels this way about me...i know he did once. i will get a grip, i will get some closure, but no matter what happens, i will forever be blessed and changed by this amazing man.

and nothing's wrong with going and seeing the amazing spider-man again. nothing at all. 

3 comments:

  1. i can't wait to see it!! i love love love andrew garfield.

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  2. Woah, woah, woah missy! No one is too good for you!!! I felt the same way about a boy once and right before he proposed I called it off. Today I am still very greatful for the impact he had on my life, but I am also so greatful that Heavenly Father knew I was meant to be with my sweet husband now. You deserve the absolute best and I know you will get him, whoever he is :)

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  3. oh i loved the new spiderman. i have a mega crush on andrew garfield. and you need to know that you are wrong. he isn't too good for you. i'm serious, don't think that. don't give up on anything. when he gets home from his mission, then you can decide to either pursue or let go. but keep dreaming, that's what got me my great guy.

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