1.13.2012

Crazy

He would say, "Why is it that you roll your eyes at me and smile like that? It drives me CRAZY."
"It drives you crazy...?" I replied with a smirk.
"But in a good way, always in a good way."

Day 1: I walked into class and saw that we had a new seating arrangement. I was disappointed when I saw that I wouldn't be next to my friends, but I was intrigued by the thought of sitting next to you. You introduced yourself, but of course, I already knew who you were. Every girl did. The lights went out and the slides came up on the screen. I was feverishly trying to take notes, but you decided to become the question king. You kept leaning in and whispering question after question to me, I can't even remember half of what you asked me in those eighty minutes.

"If you could pick any car to drive, what would you pick?" "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?" "What kind of food do you like?" "How many siblings do you have?" "What is your favorite feature about a guy?" "Do you like sports?" "What are your parents names?" "Which temple do you want to get married in?" "How many kids do you want and what names do you like for kids?" "When is your birthday?" "If you were 16, would you go on a date with me?" "What's your favorite subject in school?"

As I would answer, you would write some of the answers in your notes.

I look back now and I wonder why my little fifteen year old self was not scared or intimidated by how forward this boy was. But as I walked out of class, I felt as though my head was spinning....those beautiful eyes, that smile, that faint smell of cologne.

Day after day, we would talk about everything and study together. We'd listen to music on your iPod and sit really close if we were done taking notes in class. We would compete on tests and I remember you saying, "If I do better than you on this test, then you owe me a Snicker's bar." I thought to my over confident self, "Yeah, right buddy. Like you'll do better than me."

But he did. By two points. And there began our little bets.

I would bring him Snickers bars and he would give me the hugs that made me feel like I was floating five feet off the ground. I would cheer him on at his games and he would thank me for being his support. At times, I would catch him looking at me with his piercing eyes from across the room when we were both in choir and I would shoot him a little smile and roll my eyes.

We grew close and then we grew apart during high school. It was this repeating cycle of emotions and feelings towards each other. Our relationship always reminded me of the waves rolling in and rolling back. All of the sudden, it would come crashing into the shore all at once and then slowly draw away back into the ocean. But we always smiled at each other and sometimes even rolled our eyes, no matter who our latest crushes were or what activities we were involved in or what classes we were taking.

After knowing each other for 1230 days (give or take a few days...the actual date of Day 1 is a little fuzzy), we had our first actual date--dinner and a Jazz game.

Your driving scared me a bit and I told you that you needed to keep your eyes on the road.
Your reply was, "I can't help looking at you. You're beautiful!"

I felt those old butterflies coming back in that moment.
Those ones I wanted to suppress. Those ones that were different. Those ones that only you could cause.

I remember you looking at me at dinner and telling me about something very animatedly. I wasn't really listening, because I was looking at those eyes I had always loved. I was thinking about how much you had grown up since that day you asked me every single question you could think of. I wondered where you would go in life and what you would do with yourself. I wondered where we both would be in ten years and I wondered if our paths would continue to keep crossing.

We laughed during the Jazz game and we discussed a whole array of things from sports and school to our most embarrassing moments (which I'm still just a little appalled at myself for even telling you that story). I leaned over to whisper, "Thank you for coming with me" and you suddenly had the biggest grin on your face and leaned in and looked at me with those eyes. No reply was necessary.

You sang to me on the way home, quite terribly, and I loved it.
As always, it was fun to have been with you that night.

Once again, those waves of emotion were crashing all at once and then slowly withdrawing again. I didn't really think much more about that date or you for more than a year. You had left for two years and my focus was drawn to many other things and people in life. Many months later, I heard that you were sad I didn't come wish you farewell before you left for two years and that you had said I always meant so much to you.

I didn't believe it and I didn't really put much thought into it.

But suddenly, I have started missing you. 
I don't really know why.
I certainly don't expect you to have missed me and
I certainly don't expect things to pick up when you return.
If anything, it will be like those waves crashing in and slowly trickling away.
Just as it has always been.

But I do have to say this:

That smile and the roll of your eyes...it has always driven me crazy, in a good way.
Always in a good way.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Man! Go see this guy! Try it out now!! Such a sweet story :D

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  2. ah, boys.
    :p
    killing you softly huh?
    they're crazy like that

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  3. Ahhh Catherine! I just love you!

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  4. This was so beautifully written! I stumbled across your blog and somehow ended up on this post. Love it!

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  5. aahhh i love this! i cant wait til he is home!

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  6. yes! i love the question game. i tend to be the one asking a million questions per minute. wrote answers in his notes?! who is this kid?! bonus points for him. ahh i am LOVING this! the little competitions, the studying, the listening to music together. this post was amaaaazing and i so seriously want you to date him when he gets home. please tell me you've written him since this post. i worry that i'm going to like boy number two just as much and then i won't know who to root for!

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