11.10.2011

thoughts while driving to work in the early a.m.

i love watching the beginning and ending of a day--sunrises and sunsets. this morning, i loved watching the large ivory moon dip into the slate gray clouds. i loved seeing the clouds with faded magenta streaks surrounding the snow covered mountains--the faint and hazy golden daylight peeking out from behind them. 

it sometimes feels really nice to breathe in crisp cold air and watch the mist of an exhalation fade into the dark morning.

ear infections are plain awful. that's all.

i can't believe it's almost been three years. three. it seems like yesterday that i was dreaming about dancing with you and then, it actually happened. it was real. i was having my own little twilight moment with you.

i was head-over-heels. i was starry-eyed. i was smitten.
i think you were, too.

but times have changed and in reality, it was forever ago. i no longer dream of that. and i no longer (nor will i ever again) fantasize over anything to do with twilight (about two years past that)...or you (about a minute past that).
i'm older and hopefully wiser.
i know you are, too. 

i wrote you three letters, hoping it would make up for how everything happened, for those foolish words of "three or four years is a long time", the silence, the abandonment.

now i have decided it truly is the time to move ahead and never look back. 
i think you have, too. 

i am grateful for the lessons you have taught me and the memories we made. thank you for teaching me the importance of being brave and speaking up if love comes my way.

speaking of love, i'm getting to a point where i don't see the point of hoping for it anymore. deep down, i do. i really do. but right now, my hopes are diminished to next to nothing. it's kind of shattering, heart-wrenching when i read those words coming from me. i used to love love. i still do, but right now, i feel just have the overall feeling of being a little spent and a little too alone. too much give and not enough take in all aspects of life.

i was talking to a guy in the soup line at the institute yesterday and we were discussing his spanish test that he was taking later that day. he said something that i never thought of before, but i know it's true. "school is about how much work and effort you put into it, not how smart or talented you are. you may have those tendencies, but if you don't put the work in, you won't come out on top in the end." exactly. thank you for the reminder to keep working hard and keep pushing through life.


Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom; Lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on! Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene—one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou Shouldst lead me on. I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on! I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears, Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years. So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still Will lead me on O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till The night is gone. And with the morn those angel faces smile, Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

2 comments:

  1. Ear infections definitely hurt a lot! I experienced one recently and I still get medicines.Luckily pain has become less and less everyday :)


    Have a great day!
    xxxx

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