1.17.2011

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
 -Barbara De Angelis

Sometimes, I share personal things on this blog. And it's not always because I want to let you all in on every aspect of my life, but because sometimes I just need to spill on here (my blog is like my journal) to figure myself out and occasionally feel like someone validates my thoughts and has been where I've been. Does that make sense? With that said, you may disregard this post or continue reading.


Time to get up close & personal and talk about a favorite topic...

L-O-V-E.

{Something I talk about a lot}


After a fireside on Sunday night, I was at my friend's house and ended up telling her brother a weird story about my love life (I've only known him like a week...it must have been late at night for me to open up like this). And I heard myself saying things like, "I'm not the kind of girl to make a move." and "I've had lots of opportunities to be with people, but I have just never taken them."

First off, I'm so not the one to make the first move. It's just out of my comfort zone and I feel like that should be the guy's job to make the first move. And I think it's important to save your XOXO's for guys who truly deserve them.

"love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only what you are expecting to give - which is everything. what you will receive in return varies. but it really has no connection with what you give. you give because you love and cannot help giving." 
-katharine hepburn-

But as I drove home last night, I thought a lot. It's a good thirty minute drive to think.

I thought about how many times guys DID make the first move.
And I would not respond to it.

I was too scared to respond, because I felt like I loved them more than they loved me or I would just end up getting hurt or it would be better to remain friends or they didn't fit my criteria or many other reasons. I made up a bunch of reasons and never let anyone in.

Maybe, I was not ready to give my whole heart to anyone or give any part of my heart to anyone. Maybe, I haven't found the right guy. I would say I am pretty good at determining what is best for myself. And I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. Maybe, I was not ready for love and I needed the experiences I have had, both the good ones and the bad ones. I know they have helped in shaping me into the person I am today.

And I thought of the following words in the last scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's {watch it here}:

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." 
-Paul Varjak in Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)-

For a while now, I have been even more than a little afraid to put myself out there for fear of making things complicated. I've been on one too many awkward dates (most of them blind), I've had a couple of heartaches, and it's made me somewhat of a pessimist towards dating and love.

And that's something I never want to be know as.

I feel like I have a huge capacity to love those around me, but I've built a cage when it comes to dating and falling in love and I need to free myself from it. As Paul Varjak says, loving someone does not put you in a cage; it frees you to be selfless in ways you never thought possible.

Love is a good thing. Though you may have heartaches and heartbreaks, love is an emotion that fulfills everyone's existence. Loving someone is one of the most rewarding feelings you can have in this life.

This isn't to say I believe in Twilight love (the kind where the guy sweeps you off your feet and you spend every waking minute together and you live "happily ever after"), but I believe love is a work in progress. Once you've found true love, it ain't gonna be easy. You have to fight, you need alone time, you cry and yell, you learn and grow, you celebrate, and you work as hard as you ever will in life to keep true love and eventually obtain the "Happily Ever After".


"Many of our fears are tissue-paper thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them." 
-Brendan Francis-

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to be more open to love. 
Who knows what this year may bring for my love life? Who knows when Mr. Right will show up or if he already has? 
But I'm going to take a single courageous step now and 
be open and ready to fall.

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