4.02.2010

Forced.

I packed up all of my stuff, just in case.
I wasn't sure what the plan was going to be tonight.
I watched my breath linger in the air as I walked outside into the drizzling rain with my backpack, small duffel, and laundry basket. I put everything in the backseat, started the car and turned on the heat.

I felt sick.
 Dizzy and feverish and shaky sick.
But started to drive down the hill.

I found a parking spot easily and started to walk toward the Institute building. I wasn't sure why I had come to sorority when I felt this awful, but I was feeling a little better and having a great time with my close friends while feeling the Spirit as the girls shared service moments and thoughts, we had a focus lesson, and we sang together.

But everything started to go downhill after our meeting 
when the fraternity boys came in our small room for an exchange. 

Exchanges can be fun, but usually they are haphazard meetings of guys that you don't really care to talk to again and guys that you want to talk to again, but probably never will. The Spirit seemed to instantly leave the room when they walked in. I thought that was weird and I wasn't sure why I felt that way, but I tried to ignore it.

My friends and I kept talking about the events of the week, while we looked at the scene. There were a few cute guys and a lot of obnoxious ones, the usual mix. The room was getting warmer and warmer with twice as many bodies in it. I started to feel even more uncomfortable than I did earlier. Some girls immediately started flirting and teasing the guys and I somewhat unwillingly mingled with the crowd that was nibbling on the usual church refreshments of cookies and donuts before we started the activity
--an Egg Drop.

I was wearing my "I Love Michael Bublé" shirt and looking around. Suddenly someone started to approach me.

"Oh no," I quietly said to myself, hopefully no one else heard it.
"Hey, I haven't met you yet," he said laughingly, as he ran his hands through his brown slightly curly hair.

I let out a reluctant laugh at the cheesy joke, then introduced myself and he introduced himself. He asked me about my shirt and I started to tell him about the concert I'd been to the night before. He was pretty cute and continued the conversation, but soon enough, there was really no spark and I started to be annoyed by talking to him. But I kept a smile on my face and tried to act interested and nice, since there was more than just me in this situation and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I wasn't really paying attention as my head started to throb, but out of the blue, he slipped an unnecessary s-word in the conversation. I'm certainly not perfect and I've let a word like that slip out once or twice before, but now I was completely unimpressed.

I'm sure my look of surprise and disgust said it all to him.

 My ears then began to hear a few other boys cursing sporadically as well. What was going on? We were in the institute building and the worthy priesthood holders in the room that I usually look up to were not present. Instead there were a bunch of loud, disrespectful boys. 

 He then apologized about it and said he was going to make it up to me. He proceeded to go over to the piano and play "Haven't Met You Yet".  I would've been impressed if I hadn't felt like it was all so forced.

Everyone was then divided into groups and we started working on how to protect an egg from cracking.
Did I ever tell you how much I don't like eggs? 
I honestly cannot stand them. 
I started to feel even queasier. I removed myself from my group who didn't notice and already started working on it. I walked over to another girl who didn't care to participate and started talking to her in my sorority about her week, the fraternity and their language problems. She said, "Some of the guys are really attractive and winning, but they are so shallow. I just hate exchanges because they feel so forced." 

She read my mind exactly.

We walked outside to drop the eggs from the big parking structure east of the Institute building. Though I was bundled up, I shivered uncontrollably as we watched the padded boxes and bags drop. Afterwards, we inspected the damage. Surprisingly, only one of the groups' eggs cracked. But it splattered all over and that was it for me. It took all my effort to hide my disgust and gagging as I thanked the girls for the activity, said goodbye, and walked quickly back into the institute building, then to the restroom. I threw up and then left the building and I decided to just come home right then.

All along my drive, I was listening to the Michael Bublé and thinking to myself,
"Don't throw up, don't throw up."

But between all of those thoughts, I thought about the exchange, the lyrics to the Michael Bublé songs, and questions started running through my mind.

"When will I go out with someone who makes me genuinely laugh and someone who I can always have fun with? When will I be able to be silly and completely comfortable with someone without getting hurt later on? When will I be with an amazing someone who worthily honors his priesthood and respects me? When will I be able to find someone who is sincere and true in their words and actions?
When will it not all be so forced?"

I know that day will come someday.
But sometimes, I just want to skip all of these forced awkward encounters and dates. Though it isn't a proven fact, I'm about ninety-nine percent sure everyone wishes that.

PS: I'm feeling better and did not throw up after that. 
I just needed some food and medicine and good sleep.

1 comment:

  1. Awww Catherine! I'm sorry girl :[ I feel so bad that I missed it now because I should have been there to help you feel a little better :[ Shame on me!!! But you know, I totally agree, exchanges are so forced. It's like they are trying to marry us off or something haha! But just know that I love you and I can't wait to see you on Tuesday... even though we should probably actually pay attention in that class now haha. I hope you are feeling better and we should have a girls night soon with all of us and talk trash on boys and eat lots of carbs and watch some movies. LOVE YOU!!

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